In Him, with Him, for Him

DISCLAIMER: this was written in July after coming home from the race:)

The environment, the people, the pace, the demands, the values and the world around me has changed drastically. Yet, the greatest difference is that it’s not much different at all. More than anything, I am. The greatest change lies within, from the One who doesn’t change at all.

My initial thought process coming back to life in the states, was to get under what the Lord was already doing. That postured me in a place of servitude and gratitude.

To begin with, my heart broke for the loss of appetite for God, as I watched people nearest to me feast on the things of this world. In attempt to plant new seeds in the soil of peoples souls, I saw that what was planted quickly uprooted.

One night, as my sister was praying for me, I saw a picture of the Lord and me in a garden and He handed me a rake. At first, I was not very excited about having to rake up the ground. I prefer to do something more pleasant, like planting flowers. I also didn’t really know how to use a rake properly and tried giving it back to Him in frustration. The Lord revealed to me that the rake was a representation of my voice. My voice has been something I’ve had to continue to submit to the will of God and let be refined. In a lot of ways, I didn’t know how to use the voice He gave me. In fact, I didn’t love that He gave me a more dominating voice. Then, my friend sent me this verse that I had read the day before:

“Sow for yourselves righteousness; reap steadfast love; break up your fallow ground, for it is the time to seek the Lord, that he may come and rain righteousness upon you.”

‭‭Hosea‬ ‭10‬:‭12‬ ‭ESV‬‬

I began to understand that through my words and the actions following, I would slowly see the ground of hearts be broken up. So that seeds can be planted and take root. I started to see my life itself speak and stir up hunger in hearts.

Firstly, I found myself protecting my relationship with the Lord from schemes of the enemy through practices of surrender. I made space and time in my life to talk with God and spend time with Him. This requires a slower pace of life that those around me began to take note of.

There is so much importance in surrender because the only thing we can do is to make space for the things we can’t do.

On the day of June 12, the Lord took me into deep surrender, and has continued to keep me in a posture of surrender ever since. Little by little I feel my grip on life loosening as I look to my Heavenly Father, where real life is found. I was on my face before the King, confessing out loud the things I had a hold on: money, marriage, plans, desires and my appearance. He began to strip me of the things I had placed my value and identity in. For starters, my appearance. He led me to cut my hair as a symbol of surrender. I do not belong to myself.

I AM HIS.

I felt a sense of deep relief as my worries and fears fell at the feet of my faithful Father.

It’s interesting because being on the field serving in ministry makes it really easy to say yes to God. But being back in a culture of hurry, selfishness, and independence has made giving God my yes very difficult. Yet, the difficultly of obedience, makes it all the more worth it. Saying yes to God when everything around me is pushing me to say no, makes saying yes far more enriching. My intimacy with the Lord has discovered depths I didn’t think possible.

One thing I felt my fingers curling over, was the idea of marriage. I felt entitled to this path in life because, to be honest, I didn’t think there could be another one.

I came to God in honesty about my desires for marriage and longings for a partner. All relatively new things for me. But He so faithfully revealed Himself to me as a perfect partner and divine confidant. I was well acquainted with verbally processing after having 50 people to always talk to for 9 months. The Lord met me in that space and became someone to talk to more intimately at all hours of the day.

Something we often take for granted. Access to commune with the creator of all of heaven and earth at all hours of the day?! I simply cannot comprehend how He would want to give me His attention. Yet, He is shining His face upon me. In fact, He is persistently pursuing me even when I turn away.

I am His beloved and He is my lover.

As I begin to walk into deeper union with Christ, the more I feel my deepest desires being fulfilled. Instead of waiting for tomorrows promises, I get to walk into the promises of today. He is the promise! I don’t have to wait to be with Him, I get to be with Him in every moment.

Oftentimes, we miss this because we’re more concerned with the next moment than the present one. It’s by His grace, that He only gives us one day at a time. I tend to grasp for time that doesn’t exist and is beyond my human capacity. But He knows I can only handle one moment at a time.

I AM HERE.

“When we let our minds wander into the nonpresent, it’s as if we eat from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, and our lives break down.” Words with God – Addison Bevere

The future is not ours to carry or even understand. It’s when we become more fully aware of God in the present moment, that we find the depth of eternity at hand!

The Lord is loosening my grips of control on my future as I come into deeper trust in the one who holds it.

Therefore, I get to embrace each moment more fully when I know who is embracing me.

So then, I hold onto nothing so that I may gain everything! It is only because I let go of all that I am and all that I have, that I can embrace what is put before me.

I AM HELD.

Those who loose their life for His sake, find true life!

If we suffer with Christ, we will reign with Him.

If a grain of wheat dies, it produces fruit.

If we relinquish our mourning, God gives us a garment of

praise.

If we bring our sins, He replaces them with a robe of

righteousness.

Joy comes not in spite of, but because of, sorrow.

When discipline becomes a glad surrender,

“Every day we expe-

rience something of the death of Jesus, so that we may also know

the power of the life of Jesus in these bodies of ours.” Joyful Surrender – Elizabeth Elliot

The gift of surrender is so great that I’ve felt called to cultivate a space for those around me to do the same. The Lord has made it so I can use the coffee shop I work at, to invite people to worship in community. It’s been such a gift to my spirit to watch peoples faith increase. As soon as I stop living for myself, I walk into the fullness of who I’m created to be.

Whether it be baking cookies for the neighbors, praying for the homeless, kindly leading people to repentance, buying coffee for a friend, listening to an old man’s story or cleaning up for my family, I notice that when I step outside myself, there I find my true self.

I don’t say this to boast, I say this because this is how we’re made to live! Our life doesn’t belong to us: “our” time, “our” money, or “our” energy. These things are given to us with means for them to be given away. We realize this when we know who we belong to. But if we fight to find ourselves, we will always be lost.

Seek first the kingdom and His righteousness and all these things will be added to you!