Unknown Oblivion

Being propelled into a world of unknowns, I’ve come to recognize my tight grip on control and loose grip on reality. Let me explain.

The World Race, being the next chapter of my life, is seemingly a lot to process. Going to unknown countries with unknown people. There is one of two ways I can approach my mindset towards this next season: in surrender to God’s will and submission to the work He will do OR in anticipation of every possible circumstance out of fear and distrust. Unfortunately, my countless questions and grasp for control reveal to me I have a tendency to the second way of thinking.

To be more specific and brutally honest: I’ve put serving God above God by acquiring a sense of self-righteousness, failing to nurture current relationships and entertaining delusional thoughts.

Deprived

I didn’t know it was possible to put serving God above God, but my flesh continues to astound me of its corruptness. Because of my simple obedience to the Lord’s calling on my life to go into ministry, I’ve felt entitled to praise. But the Lord has revealed to me how something seemingly selfless can actually be selfish depending on the posture of your heart. He has held a mirror to my heart because God is not deceived by externals. He can see that I’m really not all that great… that is, without Christ. In fact, I can easily be replaced. Nearly anyone can go to different countries and share the name of Jesus. What makes me so special? Well, nothing really. That sounds quite self-deprecating, but I AM DEPRIVED. Realizing that, I put myself in a position of receiving. Receiving what God has for me and the work He wants to do in my heart. Knowing that I am unworthy, has made me all the more grateful for this opportunity and blessing God has put before me. I will choose to steward what He has set out for me to do, in humility and surrender.

Discontent

But I don’t want the fact that I’m leaving for 9 months to prohibit me from cultivating the relationships and work God has put in my life for the current moment. God is just as much in this moment as He is in the next. Like a child, I often jump ahead to the next thing in life. What is causing this kind of discontentment? Put simply, lack of gratitude. Comparison is often the cause of that. I’ve had to escape the trap of comparison by withdrawing myself from certain platforms and people. So, I can see my life through a more organic lens. Life doesn’t need a filter of embellishment, it’s beautiful as is, in the current moment.

Delusional

One thing that has fogged my vision of life is the world of fantasy. I never thought myself to be much for fantasy. But after taking away most forms of entertainment in my life, I noticed my appetite for fantasy. You don’t know how hungry you are for something, until you take it out of your diet. Maybe you can relate to me on this one, but I fantasize mainly about the future. For example, my future husband, my future house and family. That seems to be a human thing, but human tendencies aren’t always sufficient. This one in particular, has fueled my discontentment and caused me to over romanticize life. The world tells you that you’re the main character, but in reality, God is. I’m just fortunate enough to even be a part of the movie He is orchestrating. The reason that acting as though you are the main character is so detrimental is because it discludes and devalues those around you. I’ve needed to take myself out of the center of my life and put God there instead. For the sake of analogy, when you make God the main character, let me tell you, the movie is far better.

Lord, give me a humble and servant heart, ground me in the present moment and be the center of my life and mind.

Matthew 10:39 Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it.